The tube of lubricant was right next to the exam table. I should have paid more notice to it instead of reading the big McKesson label on it. McKesson? I thought to myself, what do they make? That seems to be a brand name I should be able to associate with a product that's not in a doctor's office. Aren't they some big financial institute? Oh well, I guess I'll Google it later or something.
The doc came in and we had a little chat about family health history and recent ailments. Nothing special. I figured it's all part of the routine. He told me to strip down to my underwear and wait for him to come back, which I did. Then I noticed another McKesson product in the room. A box of latex gloves. Seriously, what the fuck does McKesson make? This is going to drive me nuts!
The doc came back in and started fashioning a small spear out of the other end of a long wooden Q-tip. We went through the whole soft-or-sharp exercise where he poked/stroked my whole body with his new toy and I passed with flying colors. Then he got out that funny hammer and checked all my reflexes. They were all fine.
What can I say, I'm in perfect health. Blood pressure was excellent. Nothing wrong with heart or lungs.
Then he said it's time to check the plumbing. Front first.
WTF??? Did I hear that right? Are you joking? I was not expecting that at all when I woke up this morning. And when did you have time to put on that latex glove anyway? Shifty bastard!
Cough this way, cough that way, turn around and bend over the exam table. Oh no!!!
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And check out the Family Guy related video to see what I should have done:
Yeah! 39.5 years I've managed to make it in this life without some random dude shoving a finger in my ass. And what a shove it was, too. My head banged the wall behind the exam table. At one point I thought I might even pee from the pressure.
Then all of a sudden the pressure was gone. A box of tissues landed with a thud next to me on the exam table and the doctor snapped off the glove and said "clean yourself up, I'll be right back."
Holy Shit! Holey Shit, too!
I cleaned myself up and sat there for a few minutes trying to analyze what the hell just happened. Then I noticed the tube of lubricant again. The McKesson label seemed much smaller this time. The words "LUBRICANT GEL" seemed to be HUGE. Then I also saw the McKesson box of latex gloves. Once again, it didn't look the same this time around.
Then I saw a picture of the doctor's family on the table. His two young daughters had big smiles on their faces, as if to mock me. "We saw what daddy did to you, sucker," they seemed to say.
Well, fuck you McKesson!