Analyzing the Tiger Woods scandal

We were all shocked, shocked I tell you, by the Tiger Woods Scandal. Who would have thought that a sheltered geek who ended up with a billion dollars would figure out how to do the right thing? I lost count but last I heard there were at least 11 women? Two of them porn stars. Sure some of these whores are jumping on the Eldrick bandwagon and trying to get their 15 seconds of fame. Who can blame them? After all, they are whores.

So I wanted to spend a couple of minutes discussing this drama/tragedy/scandal/inevitability. I am going to break it down in two ways that should appeal to anyone ending up at this post. Let's start with the following diagram:



I could actually end the post here but I see you are salivating.

The Golf Perspective of the Tiger Woods Scandal:

No you fools, I am not going to talk about how this is going to impact golf in general or Tiger's golf game. That's all he knows how to do, so what do you think, he's going to hang up his clubs and quit? Sure, some guys will probably use this against him on the greens as he is lining up a putt and give him the old "Noonan" gamesmanship but sub it with a "Uchitel" cough and a smirk.

No, I am here to analyze the accident in golf terms. I even drew a diagram:



We're going to treat the accident scene as if it was a tough par 5 on a tight fairway with lots of trouble on both sides. Standing in the driveway, Tiger, a little groggy from a nice cocktail of Ambien and Vicodin takes a 7-iron to the head from his 65 pound wife. This leads to a bad hook and then a power fade right into the bushes. He tries to get out of trouble, but ends up in the right side rough. He hits a nice draw from there to the edge of the green and from there he sinks a miraculous putt right into a tree. As the putt is still rolling one of his neighbors comes out and yells "It's in the hole!"

There is so much material here for real comedy including holes, clubs, balls, rough, and more. But I will let the real comedians do their thing. I'm just not that good.

The Poker Perspective of the Tiger Woods Scandal:

After all this is a poker blog. So let's analyze it from this aspect as well. At first I was going to say that Tiger and Elin were in a heated heads-up battle, but then all the whores showed up and we had something that resembled a 6-max, short-handed game. But now that we have 11 whores, plus Tiger, plus Elin, we don't even have room at the table for everyone. We may have to end up with two short handed tables and then merge them later when some of the whores bust out (tee-hee).

It's pretty obvious to everyone that Tiger got hit in the head more than once in his life. So Elin's 7-iron blow was not going to finish him off. But it is the only card in Tiger's deck that he has left to play. His Ace in the hole. Because if indeed it comes out that she clubbed him, he can get her for domestic violence charges and not only will she not get a dime of his money but she will probably not get custody of their children. So that's probably why she is still sticking around.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not condoning anything that Tiger did. In fact the opposite is true. I think he is a selfish egomaniac and social retard who has no idea how normal humans live and are supposed to behave. Think about it. From the tender age of 2-3 he has focused his entire life on hitting a dimpled ball. I mean he is so good at it that he can tell the Nike scientists what ball speed and what spin he hits every shot and their instruments show it to be correct.

But somewhere along the lines he had absolutely no education in the area of human interaction, social ability and how to be a real man. I mean, what the fuck Cheetah? You fucked 10+ women while your wife was pregnant with two of your children? And the chicks you found could not be more skanky. Holy collagen and implants, Batman!

You are probably the most famous athlete alive on the planet today. You thought your private life would stay private? You thought this whores just wanted your companionship? I mean, you probably have a lot to offer as far as life experiences and deep thoughts. I can just imagine it now "when you hit the 3 groove of a lob wedge just right, the ball will spin twice as fast and you can actually shape the shot so that on pua annua greens you can actually make them roll 80% less than on bent grass. But only on really humid days with a back wind. It's something I tell ya'."

They all wanted a chunk of the billion dollar pie. They are a bunch of low-life whores who want to get paid. Dude, they needed sedatives to sleep with you. Could you not figure it out? You went to Stanford for fuck's sake. Oh wait, that was a gold scholarship. Sorry, I forgot.

But the best part is that I was talking to a co-worker who's son was very upset about the whole thing. He tried to explain to the boy what infidelity and cheating are and why Tiger was wrong to do what he did. The boy's only response? "Are they still going to let him play golf after this?" Smart kid!