Haywood Jablome

One of my fav new shows and websites is Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. So I was going through some of the recent posts and came across the one about some guy in Fargo called Haywood Jablome:



So being the inquisitve fella I am I went to ancestry.com to see if there have been any real Haywood Jablome folks and right away found 5 in the phone books:



There are hundreds of Jablowme, Jablomie, Jablowmy and every other spelling variation. I couldn't find any in the US Census, Immigration or WWI & WWII drafts, where I actually thought they would be. Instead I found this:



So Haywood Yew Jablomie, born in Iowa, married Zimzamina Zexina and died in Tahiti two months before his son Haywood Jablomie was born in Guadalajara, Mexico. The son then goes on and marries Ivana Tinkle. Ivana's parents were Baron von Tinkle and Willa Catheter. Haywood and Ivana had a son called Craven Morehead. Awesome.

Then I went to leave a comment on that post and got a fun Captcha to enter:



Gigolos like? Seriously? WTF?

Cigar Room Poker

Interesting evening yesterday. My buddy E had been trying to get me to go out and would not say what the plan was. All kinds of mysterious questions and clues, but nothing quite enough to make me figure it out. Are you bothered by smoke? Cigar smoke? If it comes down to it, what size shirt do you wear? We might need to be there at 7pm, would that work for you? We might need to grab some food before we go and on and on...

Even while we were in the car and pulling into a semi-deserted strip mall he wouldn't reveal what was going on. "We're just going to grab some cigars at this smoke shop over there," he said. But then his friend K was at the door and welcomed us in with a big smile and a firm handshake. So that's what it was. A poker game in the back room of a cigar shop. Well, that was definitely a first for either of us.

It wasn't a big game. We started 7-handed with the shop owner and few regulars. The buy-in? A cigar. The payout? Winner take all. S0 we stepped into the cigar room and bought a couple of stoggies for the pot and then E got himself one to smoke during the game. I don't smoke and never have so I didn't get one. I got plenty of second hand smoke though.

We settled in for the super turbo where we all started with 2000 chips and 25/50 blinds that doubled every 15 minutes. Well, doubled until we had to go from 200/400 up to 300/600. Seven players with 2K chips means we had 14K on the table so at the end of the hour we were basically down to 35 BB on the table. There was a 15 minute rebuy period if you busted but you would only get 1500 and nobody did that.

I have never played with these folks and started out quite tight. That was a good table image because when I did raise I got everyone to fold. I tried to knock out a short stack in the SB and ran my KQs into his AQ. So then with the blinds at 200/400 I had about 4BB. Then I found bullets and more than doubled up against A7s where I managed to dodge the heart draw. Then some more good cards came my way and I made a few flushes of my own. Dodged a couple of mad draws and ended up playing heads-up with E. That lasted a few short hands with me as the victor. To the victor go the spoils which I handed over to E with a big "Merry Christmas, Man!"

Obviously K who invited us to the game got a ton of crap from the other players for bringing in yet another pair of ringers. Apparently a few weeks back he brought in a couple of friends who went on to demolish the competition. They were not invited back. But we were and we might just go there again.

All in all, it was a lot of fun. The game was short and lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes. They usually start at 7pm and play two games and we only joined them for the second one. I did come home smelling like an ashtray, though. But that's the price you pay for cigar room poker, I guess.

Tiger Woods Quits Golf

Well who didn't see this one coming. Tiger is going to focus on being a husband, father and person. Good luck with all that, dude. Actually I don't see the point. Why would Elin want him back? She can retire now with enough money to make Solomon blush. And why would Tiger, who has been unhappy with his marriage, want to fix things with someone who will never trust him again? Because of the kids? What, they won't find out? Will Tiger erase the Internet and MIB all of us with a flashy thing? Come on. Those kids are going to know that while they were still in utero their father fucked prostitutes, two or more at a time. So much for role model, sir. Well played. Mazal Tov.

Which brings me to another thing. Why the fuck did he have to quit on the first night of Hannukah? Haven't the Jews suffered enough? And then to add insult to injury he goes off to Sweden, where Nazi Germany got all their iron during the war. Nice job there, Swedes.

Oh and if you happen to look at Tiger's web site, it is absolutely hilarious because every headline and image on it could be read in a provocative manner. Check it out:

Club Tiger - Not a very exclusive club it turns out:

Tiger Mobile indeed - Hos text and follow Tiger on the go!

Tiger's reach is indeed global. Hos in every city:

Yeah, this on is great - Is it in you? LOL @ the toughness:

Tiger has obviously mastered playing the chunk-and-run:

It's very difficult for Tiger to leave his wife, Elin, and two children to go on the road - Sure it is...

Tiger is nothing if not consistent:

That's one fired webmaster right there...

Analyzing the Tiger Woods scandal

We were all shocked, shocked I tell you, by the Tiger Woods Scandal. Who would have thought that a sheltered geek who ended up with a billion dollars would figure out how to do the right thing? I lost count but last I heard there were at least 11 women? Two of them porn stars. Sure some of these whores are jumping on the Eldrick bandwagon and trying to get their 15 seconds of fame. Who can blame them? After all, they are whores.

So I wanted to spend a couple of minutes discussing this drama/tragedy/scandal/inevitability. I am going to break it down in two ways that should appeal to anyone ending up at this post. Let's start with the following diagram:



I could actually end the post here but I see you are salivating.

The Golf Perspective of the Tiger Woods Scandal:

No you fools, I am not going to talk about how this is going to impact golf in general or Tiger's golf game. That's all he knows how to do, so what do you think, he's going to hang up his clubs and quit? Sure, some guys will probably use this against him on the greens as he is lining up a putt and give him the old "Noonan" gamesmanship but sub it with a "Uchitel" cough and a smirk.

No, I am here to analyze the accident in golf terms. I even drew a diagram:



We're going to treat the accident scene as if it was a tough par 5 on a tight fairway with lots of trouble on both sides. Standing in the driveway, Tiger, a little groggy from a nice cocktail of Ambien and Vicodin takes a 7-iron to the head from his 65 pound wife. This leads to a bad hook and then a power fade right into the bushes. He tries to get out of trouble, but ends up in the right side rough. He hits a nice draw from there to the edge of the green and from there he sinks a miraculous putt right into a tree. As the putt is still rolling one of his neighbors comes out and yells "It's in the hole!"

There is so much material here for real comedy including holes, clubs, balls, rough, and more. But I will let the real comedians do their thing. I'm just not that good.

The Poker Perspective of the Tiger Woods Scandal:

After all this is a poker blog. So let's analyze it from this aspect as well. At first I was going to say that Tiger and Elin were in a heated heads-up battle, but then all the whores showed up and we had something that resembled a 6-max, short-handed game. But now that we have 11 whores, plus Tiger, plus Elin, we don't even have room at the table for everyone. We may have to end up with two short handed tables and then merge them later when some of the whores bust out (tee-hee).

It's pretty obvious to everyone that Tiger got hit in the head more than once in his life. So Elin's 7-iron blow was not going to finish him off. But it is the only card in Tiger's deck that he has left to play. His Ace in the hole. Because if indeed it comes out that she clubbed him, he can get her for domestic violence charges and not only will she not get a dime of his money but she will probably not get custody of their children. So that's probably why she is still sticking around.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not condoning anything that Tiger did. In fact the opposite is true. I think he is a selfish egomaniac and social retard who has no idea how normal humans live and are supposed to behave. Think about it. From the tender age of 2-3 he has focused his entire life on hitting a dimpled ball. I mean he is so good at it that he can tell the Nike scientists what ball speed and what spin he hits every shot and their instruments show it to be correct.

But somewhere along the lines he had absolutely no education in the area of human interaction, social ability and how to be a real man. I mean, what the fuck Cheetah? You fucked 10+ women while your wife was pregnant with two of your children? And the chicks you found could not be more skanky. Holy collagen and implants, Batman!

You are probably the most famous athlete alive on the planet today. You thought your private life would stay private? You thought this whores just wanted your companionship? I mean, you probably have a lot to offer as far as life experiences and deep thoughts. I can just imagine it now "when you hit the 3 groove of a lob wedge just right, the ball will spin twice as fast and you can actually shape the shot so that on pua annua greens you can actually make them roll 80% less than on bent grass. But only on really humid days with a back wind. It's something I tell ya'."

They all wanted a chunk of the billion dollar pie. They are a bunch of low-life whores who want to get paid. Dude, they needed sedatives to sleep with you. Could you not figure it out? You went to Stanford for fuck's sake. Oh wait, that was a gold scholarship. Sorry, I forgot.

But the best part is that I was talking to a co-worker who's son was very upset about the whole thing. He tried to explain to the boy what infidelity and cheating are and why Tiger was wrong to do what he did. The boy's only response? "Are they still going to let him play golf after this?" Smart kid!

Sketchy Santas

This time of year can be scary for little kids. Or big kids:



Check out all the other Sketchy Santas here.

Cheetah!

I have a whole lot to say about Tiger (Cheetah) Woods and his adulterous ways, but I will start with this awesome image that my mom sent over:

Are You A Poker Professional?

Do you love to play poker and win at it? Do you play every chance you get? Do you play live and online poker games? Do you play in poker tournaments? Do you usually make money when you play? Even if you answered yes to all of these questions, it doesn’t mean you’re a professional poker player.

There are many people that have developed a strong enough poker strategy to allow them to be a winning player in the long run. That said, that doesn’t mean it’s enough money to pay the bills. There’s only one way that you can call yourself a professional poker player, and that’s if you make enough money at it to pay your bills on a consistent basis. This isn’t easy to do.

First of all, most poker players are bad with money management. Whether they’re going on tilt or just can’t get enough of the game, they keep whipping out more cash. If you’re like this, you have no chance of being a poker professional. Even the players that have some discipline end up going broke from time to time. All it takes is that one day where you’re off and not thinking correctly, and you make that terrible money management mistake.

If you really want to become a professional poker player, there are several things you need to do. The first thing you need to do is build a bankroll. Some people say it should be 200x the big blind of the game you’re playing in, but that’s not enough. It should be at least 500x the size of the big blind of the game you’re playing in. This will allow you to play optimal poker opposed to playing scared.

The next thing you need to do is promise yourself that you will cut losses. That means if you lose the max buy-in in a session, you get up and go home. This way, you’ll never get killed. A good rule to follow to make sure you don’t break this rule is that after every losing session you must get a minimum of six hours of sleep. This way, you will return to the table fresh and with a clear head. The best thing about this approach is that when you look at your records, the losses will only be small and the wins will be small and enormous.

Stick to these basic rules to play professional poker.

What is Spades?

You may have noticed that Jeff Shulman, who was one of the November Nine, this past year, while looking all scruffy and having an I-don't-give-a-crap atittude to his appearance or the WSOP ME, was sporting a logo for a Spades site. And you may have noticed the thousands of commercials for that site with that annoying blonde girl. Gah!

So what is Spades and how do you play Spades? Well, it's kind of like the bastard child of Bridge and War. You can play it as an individual or with a partner or some other version called Cutthroat, which is new to me. But the idea is that you deal out a full deck to 4 players and they then need to declare how many showdowns or tricks they are going to win from 0 to 13.

Sounds easy but there is a lot of strategy behind this game and if you ever want to start playing Bridge, which takes a lifetime to learn, you can start here because it gives you some of the basic principles without having to go too deep into the whole dark side of bidding.

Well, now you can play free Spades online. WHile there are several ways to go about it and there are some huge sites that offer free gaming, like Yahoo Spades and MSN Spades, you really want to go with a site that specializes in Online Spades.

Spadester is a great way to get started and they have pages that will go through the Spades rules and show you how easy it is to get started. They have all sorts of games, you can start your own games, you can play in tournament, etc. They even have a Spades Dictionary for the total newbs. They have freerolls and weekly promos and you can play for free or for real money. They also have a no-download version Java client.

Anyway, take a crack at Online Spades and if you meet my mother-in-law at one of the tables, tell her I said hi.

FTC crap disclaimer: Review. Duh!